I'm torn between writing something upbeat and writing about my mindset for the last week and a half.
Aw what the heck, I'll go for the gloom.
At first, when the miscarriage happened, I threw myself into helping Karen. She was feeling cramps and pain, there was still bleeding, and she was heartbroken. But as she gradually climbed out of that hole, I found that the grieving I had not done come to the forefront. There was a whole new mindset when she got pregnant, thinking about names, building a nursery, all kinds of things. Now after that is all gone, I still sometimes find myself thinking as if she were still pregnant. Then I catch myself, and that feeling of loss comes over me again.
The biggest loss has to be the glow that Karen had. I've never seen her so happy and excited. That glow is gone. She has started to smile and laugh at my jokes, and she's been out visiting family and friends. You'd think she was over it, then I find her crying in the dark. Or, she'll come home upset after being around children or someone pregnant.
There hasn't been any closure for me, and that may be because there hasn't been closure for her.
I'm finding it hard to meditate, or, rather, finding it hard to start doing it. When I have started, I've been able to clear my mind, something I haven't been able to do in a long while. And maybe there lies the secret of closure; maybe closure starts when a new practice begins. I may not be able to climb out of the hole, but I might be able to slowly rise out of it.
It seems promising, anyway.
Music in my head: Stop Running Away, Brenda Russell.